It never gets any easier. Changing a chapter. I always thought that once you have done is so many times you won’t get the anxiety attack that comes with re-working a chapter.
On one summers day in 2014, I got this brainwave of an idea to write a prologue to start the novel off on the right footing and to bring all these characters into it without ever saying any of their names. Pure briliance!
It then occurred to me today, after plainly ignoring the prologue because I loved it so much and didn’t want to end up deleting it, I went back to it. It was obvious, after many many changes to the rest of the story and to the characters, my beloved prologue had to go.
I reworked a new prologue that blends better with the story that I have, but I don’t think it’s ever going to have the same feel of the first prologue. The one that came in a mad wave of pure creative genius.
I just killed the one chapter I loved the most and need to figure out how to love this new one the same way. This weekend is going to spent trying to get to know this new prologue and hopefully by Monday loving it in the same way as the old one.
This writing business isn’t easy on the heart.
I think I’ve come to the point in my first few chapters, where I’ve edited them so much that I cannot go any further with them.
Now, I’m a complete roadblock. Because?
I do not have a single person that I can give the chapters to and get an honest review back. I don’t trust a complete stranger reading my work- because, the obvious, what if they rob my work?
I’m so lost.
Most people presume that writing and coming up with stuff is harder than editing, because it seems like the lesser of two evils. You have all the details there, just have to write them correctly, no more grabbing hold of inspiration, just sitting down and editing the words already on the screen.
Oh how wrong they are.
I hate editing, it’s like pulling teeth, and I have gotten three headaches over it now… I’m only on the first chapter.
You sit there staring at one sentence that just doesn’t sit right, and you don’t know whether to delete it or make it fit in…somewhere.
You’ve read that one paragraph over a hundred times, and on the 101st time, you notice that you’re missing a word or you’ve spelt ‘beard’ as ‘bird’ but didn’t actually catch that mistake all the other times because you know it off by heart and weren’t paying attention to what was actually on the screen.
Then the worst part…the hate. You hate your work so much, how could you write such a disaster? How could you think this was publishable?! OMG! Get a new hobby ASAP!!!
And with your heart heavy, and that headache threatening to come back to life, you shut off your precious manuscript not knowing what to do next and feeling like you’ve wasted all that time on this disaster you just can’t seem to get through. You take a breather, probably for a few hours, just to go through the the whole process- one painful sentence at a time.
Oh, yes. Editing is the devil.
I honestly thought I was up to my fifth rejection, turns out I’m not. I’m only at number 3 [not including the publisher who didn’t get back] so really, it’s 4.
I’ve only gotten 3 e-mails back and all three are saying the same thing, to keep trying. None give me anything to work on or to fix up. I have another six agents and publishers lined up that I was thinking of sending to today, but I don’t know if I’m going to send off to them or should I fix up the beginning first. I know it’s a tiny number to start getting paranoid, as most authors get 10-20-30 rejections before they get anywhere.
I don’t know what to do.